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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.